being selfish.

One thing I have been called far too many times this summer is selfish: Selfish with my time, with my things, not wanting to share the people I love, the things I love, whatever. But recently, I was told I was being selfish in my own home.

Slap in the face, thanks. Let me explain: Five years ago, the Belarusian girl that stayed with us during the summer, had her final year with us. The requirements for the program changed and because she didn't have parents, she no longer was allowed to come. The next summer, after long conversations and lots of thoughts, another girl came. She has been around every summer since the first child stopped coming.

This summer, she was able to come back for a month. But everything is different. I honestly couldn't tell you if my siblings and I were ever asked how we felt about her coming before she came. Had we been, obviously, we would have said yes she should definitely come BUT we would have been able to talk about how awkward and different things were going to be. Instead she arrived a day before the second child left, and it has been awkward since. A lot has changed in five years but we keep being told that we should be acting like nothing changed.

SIDENOTE (I promise it will tie back in): We recently decided that we would be adopting a different Belarusian girl than the two that have stayed with us. At 20 years old, this came as a huge shock and I have experienced countless emotions since. I'm so excited that she is coming, but I always wonder how she is going to fit in with our family and even more than that how am I going to fit in after she comes. I don't mean to make it about me. That's not what I meant. But I am away at school so the first few transitional months I won't be around for. If I study abroad, I'll miss pretty much the entire first year she spends here. I'm going to come home a stranger to how things happen in my family. I'm moving downstairs and losing my room. Sure it may seem selfish that I'm upset about this, its all material right? But I have lived in this room for 11 years now and my parents always promised that I would always have a place to come home to but all of a sudden, I don't. I may still have a room, but its not MY room. I'm going to be like a stranger in my own home: new room, new sister. It's going to be weird.

SO I've been dealing with all of the emotions of getting a new sister on top of having an old sister here for the first time in five years. I work a lot, and no I'm not looking for sympathy, I just mean to say that I am not home that much. I went away for a week with my boyfriends family for lake week and was told that I was selfish for going on a trip planned long before I ever knew she was coming. I am selfish because I am not home, am not spending every second that I am home with her, selfish for spending time with friends because that means time away from her. What about time with my sister? Or my brother? And even crazier, what about time with my mom or dad? I know I work a lot, and that I'm not around very often, but that doesn't mean that I don't want that time with them. But all of a sudden I don't seem to exist for the last four weeks of summer, because this child -- my mothers perfect, favorite child-- is here. The world revolves around her, whatever she wants is hers. I get it, I understand. When she goes back, she has nothing. We don't know if we'll see her again. But I don't want to be accused of being selfish. I want my room to myself for the last five days because I want to be able to go through my things alone. This has been my room since SECOND grade. I don't want other people doing this, its my stuff and I want to sift through these memories by myself. I don't need to be accused of being selfish because I want time with my mom. All we do is fight now and it sucks. Maybe I am being selfish, but is it so bad to want that time together before everything changes?

Things were so much easier when I was a kid.