twenty-eight jokes for christmas

1. Where do snowmen keep their money?
           A snowbank

2. Where does Christmas come before Easter?
          The alphabet

3. What falls often but never gets hurt?
           Snow

4. What's in December that's not in any other month? (and it's NOT Christmas)
           D

5. On what side of the house do pine trees grow best?
          Outside

6. What does a cat get when it crosses the desert?
          Sandy Claus

7. What kind of dance do snowmen go to?
           Snow Ball

8. Which burns longer, a red Christmas candle or a green Christmas candle?
           Neither, they both get shorter

9. Is it okay to write a letter to Santa on an empty stomach?
           Yeah, but you need paper

10. What smells best in the kitchen?
            Your nose

11. How do you make a reindeer float?
            Ice cream, soda, and a reindeer

12. What two things does Santa never eat for breakfast?
            Lunch and dinner

13. How many pieces of candy can you put in an empty stocking?
            One

14. What is an elf's favorite dessert?
            Shortcake

15. What most resembles half a Christmas cookie?
            The other half

16. When is a Christmas cake like a cold window pane?
            When there has been a frosting

17. What can Santa take up the chimney down but not down the chimney up?
            An umbrella

18. Why does Santa wear red mittens?
            To keep his hands warm

19. Why do reindeer fly over rooftops?
            Because they can't go under

20. What state does Santa visit that is high in the middle and round on both ends?
            Ohio

21. How is Santa's sleigh like a track team?
           They both have runners

22. What does Santa have all over his workshop?
           A roof

23. Where was Santa when his Christmas lights went out?
           In the dark

24. Why do Santa and his reindeer fly around the world on Christmas Eve?
          Because it's too far to walk

25. When does Santa finish delivering his presents?
         In the nick of time

26. What does the gingerbread boy have on his bed?
        Cookie Sheets

27. Which two letters of the alphabet does your Christmas stocking look like the day after Christmas?
         M-T

28. How does Santa Claus do his gardening?
         With a ho-ho-ho






these came from my 7th grade sister, not my fault if they're cheesy.

ps. Santa misspelled is Satan just some food for thought

Post 50 :)

That is Megan Berry. Aka me except not me. Megan Berry is hot. I especially like the tattoos, the holding up of the wrench as if saying "I'll bash in your brain if you look at me wrong" and of course, the muscle flex. There are so many right things about this picture I don't know what could possibly be wrong. This is pure perfection.

 

 

This is also Megan Berry except not really. I googled Megan Berry images, and I think this is a brother, but he came up under Megan Berry and so his name is going to be Megan Berry too. Now, he also has huge muscles, an intimidating face and is holding a scary violent object. I am not a scary violent person so this does not accurately represent me. Sorry Megan Berry, you are a man and we do not look alike.

This is a picture posted by Megan Berry. Again, not me Megan Berry, but some random unknown Megan Berry. I wish I could take credit for this picture, because this is quite the picture. That man playing the guitar, HOT SHORTS. The other man.. he is a diva. He fits so nicely into his top and shorts. I just love it. I wish I were the Megan Berry that took this picture. Thank you unknown Megan Berry for inspiring me.

This is still not me. As much fun as it would be to pose in an awkward outfit on sharp jagged rocks. But thats not cool Megan Berry, take pictures in normal outfits on smooth rocks. That would be more comfortable. I am NOT like this Megan Berry.

And finally my best accomplishment as Megan Berry would by far be:

I, Megan Berry, am the main character of this book. Here is a preview:
Megan Berry is a Zombie Settler by birth, which means she's part-time shrink to a whole bunch of semi-dead people with killer issues. All Megan really wants is to go to homecoming, but when you're trailed by a bunch of slobbering corpses whenever you leave the house, it's kinda hard to score a date. Let's just say Megan's love life could use some major resuscitation.

Megan's convinced her life can't get any worse - until someone in school starts using black magic to turn average, angsty Undead into scary, hardcore flesh-eating Zombies. Now it's up to Megan to stop the Zombie apocalypse. Her life - and more importantly, the homecoming dance - depends on it.

That is the coolest thing that ever happened to me. Thank you for writing a novel about me being a Zombie Settler. I don't know what a Zombie Settler is but it the coolest thing that I have ever been in all of my lives (I'm not sure how many I have had). Thank you for making Megan Berry a Zombie Settler.





p.s. In the time it took to make this blog I have inspired the whole class to google themselves. Best day ever .

Ohhh what up death clock

So I have this issue with clocks. I mean regular clocks, they seem to NEVER be on time for me. The clock in my room for example, is exactly 11 minutes and 18 seconds fast. The one in my car, 2 minutes and an unknown amount of seconds. My phone, well I guess its right, that's what im basing the wrongs times off of.  But what about the good clocks. The ones that are precise, always accurate, and most importantly are a countdown to something BIG. Say like a christmas countdown clock, or even better a death clock.

http://www.xmasclock.com/
This is the world's GREATEST clock. I mean who doesn't want to know when Christmas is. I certainly know I do. And the best part, if you know another important date, you can simply add or subtract the number of days and still know the hours, minutes, and seconds till that very moment. Genius. Currently, it would be 16 days, 5 hours, 31 minutes, and 47 seconds.

http://www.deathclock.com/
The death clock, the world's darkest clock. Now, this clock allows you to put in your birthdate, your gender, if you are pessimistic, optomistic, ya know the whole deal, then you put your BMI and finally if you are a smoker, and TADA it gives you the day of the week, month, date, year you will die. And of course, the number of seconds you have left until you die. Now I found this, not really quite sure how. But, it seemed interesting so I did it. The first time, I was told that I would die Tuesday, June 13, 2051. When I tried it again, I was met with Wednesday, September 29, 2072. And because the third times the charm, I tried yet again and was greated, not so nicely with a mere Friday, July 6, 2057. Needless to say, this death clock may not be the most accurate thing. Nonetheless, it is quite fun to play with and see how many seconds there are to random dates in the far future.

My Dad wants to go back to College...

So the other day, my Dad tells us that he has decided that he is going back to college. He is either going to pursue a better degree in statistics OR he wants to be a truck driver. Now, needless to say he was joking but that is completely beside the point, and so I'm going to ignore that fact and go on with my blogging pretending that he was completely serious. So, personal opinion. If he were going to be a stat whatever they are, that would just be boring. I mean really who wants to sit around doing math all day?! Math sucks, and I'm allowed to say that, because I'm in AP Calc and it sucks. So that is just boring. I googled it, but I couldn't find any statistic jobs other than a Statistician. That sounds gross and it looks gross and it is reeeally hard to spell. So I think that he shouldn't do that one cause I really don't like it and I wouldn't be able to tell people what it was because I don't think that I would be able to say it. I think that it would be supa cool if John (aka my dad) went back to school to be a truck driver. I'm not actually sure if they teach you how to be a truck driver in college, because I don't actually think that you need a college education for that, but if we're still playing pretendsies then we'll say that you can.

If John were to be a truck driver, I think that he should be a truck driver on a TV show, like my friends on the show "Ice Road Truckers" (it's on history channel but don't make fun of me because its really cool I promise - http://www.history.com/shows/ice-road-truckers) The Ice Road Truckers (Lisa, Hugh, Alex, Jack, Greg, and Ray) have to drive huge 18-wheelers in Alaska. Its crazy ridiculous, and I heard from a little birdy "Oh Lisa, always getting in trouble." This show is suspenseful and exciting and I love it - I've only seen it once in my life- but if my dad were on that show I would watch it all the time because that would be so cool.

(In reality, my Dad is not even going back to school, and I am not actually sure where he got these crazy ideas from. Also, I don't think that it would be very cool for him to be a truck driver because scary things happen to them, but I won't spoil "Ice Road Truckers" for you, so you'll just have to watch it to find out. Also, I do think that the statistics job is boring and kinda weird. No offense to all of you that have that job)

Mangroomers.

Mangroomer at its finest. Mmmmmmm.



Now, this is really sick. Yeah I understand that.But this was what I came home to one day. I walk in after a long days of work, and my mom shoves a Bed, Bath & Beyond magazine in my face and asks me if I notice anything weird on the page. Out of a whole page it is really hard to find the one weird thing when the whole page is weird things. But I found the mangroomer, and this was the picture that went with it. So I decided to search mangroomer on the Bed, Bath, & Beyond website because I wanted to get this picture so that I could blog about how disgusting that is, but instead I found just pictures of mangroomers by themselves with blog worthy captions.

Mangroomer - Rechargeable Electric Back Hair Shaver

This would be the Mangroomer Nose and Ear Hair Trimmer Edition

And last but certainly not least, would be the Mangroomer Private Body Shaver

Some things as blog-worthy as they may be, I could live without knowing. Mangroomer, I do not like your products.