being selfish.

One thing I have been called far too many times this summer is selfish: Selfish with my time, with my things, not wanting to share the people I love, the things I love, whatever. But recently, I was told I was being selfish in my own home.

Slap in the face, thanks. Let me explain: Five years ago, the Belarusian girl that stayed with us during the summer, had her final year with us. The requirements for the program changed and because she didn't have parents, she no longer was allowed to come. The next summer, after long conversations and lots of thoughts, another girl came. She has been around every summer since the first child stopped coming.

This summer, she was able to come back for a month. But everything is different. I honestly couldn't tell you if my siblings and I were ever asked how we felt about her coming before she came. Had we been, obviously, we would have said yes she should definitely come BUT we would have been able to talk about how awkward and different things were going to be. Instead she arrived a day before the second child left, and it has been awkward since. A lot has changed in five years but we keep being told that we should be acting like nothing changed.

SIDENOTE (I promise it will tie back in): We recently decided that we would be adopting a different Belarusian girl than the two that have stayed with us. At 20 years old, this came as a huge shock and I have experienced countless emotions since. I'm so excited that she is coming, but I always wonder how she is going to fit in with our family and even more than that how am I going to fit in after she comes. I don't mean to make it about me. That's not what I meant. But I am away at school so the first few transitional months I won't be around for. If I study abroad, I'll miss pretty much the entire first year she spends here. I'm going to come home a stranger to how things happen in my family. I'm moving downstairs and losing my room. Sure it may seem selfish that I'm upset about this, its all material right? But I have lived in this room for 11 years now and my parents always promised that I would always have a place to come home to but all of a sudden, I don't. I may still have a room, but its not MY room. I'm going to be like a stranger in my own home: new room, new sister. It's going to be weird.

SO I've been dealing with all of the emotions of getting a new sister on top of having an old sister here for the first time in five years. I work a lot, and no I'm not looking for sympathy, I just mean to say that I am not home that much. I went away for a week with my boyfriends family for lake week and was told that I was selfish for going on a trip planned long before I ever knew she was coming. I am selfish because I am not home, am not spending every second that I am home with her, selfish for spending time with friends because that means time away from her. What about time with my sister? Or my brother? And even crazier, what about time with my mom or dad? I know I work a lot, and that I'm not around very often, but that doesn't mean that I don't want that time with them. But all of a sudden I don't seem to exist for the last four weeks of summer, because this child -- my mothers perfect, favorite child-- is here. The world revolves around her, whatever she wants is hers. I get it, I understand. When she goes back, she has nothing. We don't know if we'll see her again. But I don't want to be accused of being selfish. I want my room to myself for the last five days because I want to be able to go through my things alone. This has been my room since SECOND grade. I don't want other people doing this, its my stuff and I want to sift through these memories by myself. I don't need to be accused of being selfish because I want time with my mom. All we do is fight now and it sucks. Maybe I am being selfish, but is it so bad to want that time together before everything changes?

Things were so much easier when I was a kid.

Pray for America

My heart is still aching for the victims and the tragedy that struck Colorado. I feel like so often tragedy strikes and for a day or so, Americans have care and concern. Tweets and Facebook statuses are changed and things such as "pray for Colorado" are thrown out. And then the days ends, and so do thoughts about the horrific incident that occurred. As if one Facebook status paid your dues and you no longer have to think or care. Innocent lives were taken, yet a tweet was meaningful enough to respect their lives. Y'all clearly something is wrong here. Something is wrong with America, its people, its government, every aspect of America has become corrupt. There have been countless tragedies in America: 9/11, Columbine, Virginia Tech, countless others, and now this. One could say that this man is mentally disturbed. I believe that is the case. Maybe I like to give the benefit of the doubt and assume that man is good, therefore no person in their right mind could possibly do something this horrific and smile while doing it. Could I be wrong? Of course. But everyone is entitled to their opinions. If you have been keeping up with the news and reading the countless articles, as I have been [but also taking into account that the media is biased and you have to read everything with a grain of salt], you may notice a likeness between this man and the Joker. He dyed his hair, he rigged other things to blow, he even told the police that he was the Joker. Does no one else see an issue with this? Don't get me wrong, I saw the newest Batman. I am a sucker for mass media as well. But clearly there is an issue with what is being shown. We live in a violent world. And movies, music, etc., are all doing nothing to stop it, but seemingly encouraging it. It is so easy to sit back and point fingers; his parents did not raise him right, they let him watch too many violent shows as a child, there should be more laws against firearms, if there were more firearms then he could have been stopped, there needs to be higher security. Why can't we just stop pointing fingers. It doesn't matter the opinions of society now, it doesn't matter what YOU believe would have kept this from happening, because the fact of the matter is: IT HAPPENED. The issue now, is where do we go from here? What if we lived in a world of no jealousy, no greed, no violence, no threats. Where you could leave your front door unlocked and have nothing to worry about. Instead of worrying so much about pointing fingers, why can't we worry about changing our own lives in a way that will honor the lives of the thousands of people who have been killed throughout American history in tragedy. So that the next generation can come into a safer world. A world that does not rely so heavily on technology, and social media, and where children learn how to talk face to face instead of just behind a screen, where we socialize and go outdoors, where we do not need protection because we share our wealth with those who need help, and those people in need continue to look for ways to help themselves instead of cheating the system.

Keep this tragedy in your mind, don't toss it away. Stop being so eager to point fingers and cast judgments and take a good look at your own life. Try to change and better the world for those around you, for generations to come. Because without that, the world will end. It will collapse because there will no longer be stability, love, compassion. We are a part of a world that is being consumed by selfish desires, and no one can survive in a world like that.

feelings

feelings may happen to be one of the best and worst things that a person can have. there is no such thing as a win win with feelings. i mean seriously, why can't we just have the good ones? why do there have to be bad ones? i hate having those off days, you know the ones where you aren't yourself. you're in a weird mood and so then you feel like you're sitting there watching the world go by without actually being a part of it. as if you're in your own little bubble. or worse -- like you are an animal in a zoo where everyone sees you but noone really acknowledges you. and those are the moments where you start to think about things. start to ponder on life and try and figure out what is going on and where in the world did things get the way they are. the worst ones for me are when i start feeling old and useless. since when am i 18?! im in college moving towards being on my own. theres only so much longer and then i can't run back to my mom and hope that she makes everything right. im going to have to be a grownup and figure things out on my own. and then the worse of the two is feeling useless. when i have days like this where i sit and reflect on life, i always reach a point where i can't seem to figure out what it is that i've done with my life. i feel like each and every day needs to count. like i need to have something to show for each day and i guess in some ways i do -- be it a conversation that i've had with someone or maybe the impact a smile or saying good morning can have on someone elses life. a lot of times we miss the impact that we have on others or it is something that is pretty hard to realize so we can go on feeling useless. regardless of the fact that i know i'm not wasting my life each day, knowing it still doesn't make me feel less guilty or less useless. i want to have a profound impact. i want to change things. i want places to be better, people to be better, really everything to just change for the better. and because i can't make that impact each day i feel like i am being useless or wasting some ability. i guess in all honesty these days that i reflect on life are some pretty important days. these are the types of days that i make decisions, that i scheme and plot out the rest of my life. so i guess that feelings, even these bad ones, are profound. the separation i may feel from the world may simply be because i have separated myself, i have drawn myself away to have a day full of thought, one where i can figure out exactly who i am, what i think and believe, my hopes and wishes, just trying to make sense of this mess we call life.

Belarussian Men

Tonight, we went to dinner at a restuarant in downtown Mogilev whose name translates to "restuarant" in English. We were sitting there enjoying our time with Olya, our host, Katyas friend, when the waitress walks up with ice cream for us. Two men, a table over, had sent them for us as a gift, because they liked the way I smiled. They proceeded to ask us to go to a movie with them, telling us that we have to because they already bought the tickets. We politely declined, yet they persisted. As if this would win us over, they bought wine for us all. It was a Maldovian wine, and it actually wasn't terrible, but we still did not wish to go to the movies with them. They kept saying "what is your name, my darling".. buddy, I am NOT your darling. They said that they wished only to go to the movies as friends, and nothing more. I don't think I'm buying that one. One of the men came over to our table, and asked us to go to the bana with him. The bana is a sauna of sorts in which you bathe and can be whipped with leaves to beat something out of you, but I can't quite remember what. The man told me that he would beat me with the leaves, if I would beat him. Then he spanked himself a few times, and told us sorry. The only blessing is the two men had just finished off a bottle of vodka, or I would have been concerned for his sanity. He gave us all high fives, winked a few times, and eventually the men left after giving us warm goodbyes. I've got to say, I'm okay with sticking to American men.

Austin, Texas HATES George Bush

I am sitting on a plane to Warsaw, Poland right now and the woman behind me is a freak. May I start by saying that my mom and I are on the right side, squashed in the little two seater, in row thirty-six (aka the seat from hell, second to last row), with two little polish girls in front of us – who lean their seats back entirely too far so I can’t breath, and throw their trash around- behind me is an American woman, aka the freak, and a Russian man (who she just met), next to us is a three seater row with army guys, behind them is a screaming baby, and in front of them is an Orthodox Jew with the long beard and twirled side burns… COOL. All was good and well, we walked around New York city during our seven hour layover and got to enjoy the Israel Festival and Parade on Fifth Avenue (pictures to follow), had some amazing pizza from a cute little place on 6^th avenue and 57^th street, and hung out in the airport for a good long time. We finally decided to board the plane seeing as we were pretty much the only people left in the entire apart after all of Poland boarded our plane, and then we proceeded to sit on the plane for an hour, leaving FOURTY-FIVE minutes late. Polish airlines, you suck. We walk a mile alllll the way back to row thirty six and the little polish girl in front of me has her seat laying in mine. Sweet, right? The flight attendant comes by and makes her sit up till we take off, so all seems to be good and well. And then, the baby one row back to our left begins to cry. Kill me now. We haven’t even taken off yet and the baby is crying. Get me off the plane. So the woman behind me puts in her two sense on how the babies mother can keep her quiet and occupied, and she said probably one hundred times that no one cares if the baby is crying, its okay. No woman, actually its not okay. Yes I realize that its not the mothers fault her child is crying, but maybe don’t travel with a baby, ever thought of that one? Whatever, I can deal with the crying baby though. So it finally quiets down, and then begins  the never ending commentary of the woman behind me. She begins talking to her Russian friend – don’t forget she just met him on this flight- and begins asking him about his life story. She tells him how her dad and new step mom adopted a child from Siberia, and had to live there for four months, and how it was just terrible. She tells him about how America sucks too, she can understand if he thinks Russia sucks, because apparently he is trying to move. Then she goes on to ask him about his opinion on Obama and Bush. She lives in Austin, Texas but she lived in New York for six years. Apparently, Austin is its own little part, the only place in Texas that stands out. And most importantly, Austin HATES Bush. All of Austin hates Bush. Austin is a democractic little pocket, the only part in Texas and that is what makes it stand out, but that doesn’t change the fact that there have been many attempts to assassinate Bush. In all honesty, I don’t care. This woman is being a terrible American citizen if I may say so myself. You aren’t supposed to talk junk about your country even if it is terrible. Then she proceeds to ask the Russian man if he is single and if he is looking for girls. We haven’t even taken off yet – nine hours of this and I may strangle someone. This would NOT be the place to hit on someone. They proceed to go on about what is good in bed, and she tells him its okay for him to see three girls, and they talk about how you should only sleep with people who are not virgins because then they are guaranteed to be good in bed. Kids, this is an example of what NOT to do. She tells him she is agnostic, and sweetie we ALL know that already. The final straw would be when they begin talking about drinking; she doesn’t drink very much because she doesn’t like the taste, maybe three drinks at a time – then right after this, she says “I never drink”. What is this world coming to. Needless to say, we have nine hours and twenty two minutes left at this point. It is going to be a very long nine hours. Wish me luck.  

homegirl needs to get it together

So, I was out shopping with my mom earlier and we were both trying on dresses in the dressing room and all of a sudden this voice begins to speak. Now obviously it belonged to a person, and so me, being the nosy person that I’ve always been and love to be, began to listen to this conversation. Now what really caught my attention was when one girl asked the other if the bra looked cute on her. Then they began to go on and on about how they can’t fit into a DD but a D is too small…. Now honey this may be personal, but I don’t have that problem, those would both be massive on me. But then again, that isn’t any more personal than you talking about that with God only knows who listening. Yeah, the creepy guys waiting for their wives outside the door, probably listening. Little children with their moms, probably listening. They kept going on and on about these problems they have, and they returned to a petty conversation about something boring while my mom and I compared dresses, and then just before we left they began to speak again. The  “double d’s are too big but d’s are too small” girl kept talking. She kept saying how weird her boobs were, and the girls were comparing bras, and then she was asking if the bra made her look sexy. So just when I’m starting to think maybe she plays for the other team, the big whammy came. Homegirl goes “I used to wear lacy bras before I had a boyfriend”…. Sweetie, I don’t actually understand the logic behind this one. I’m not quite sure the difference that it makes but that’s okay. So I’ll end with this, be very careful what you say in public places, somethings are never meant to be shared.

where do we go from here?

I’m going to take a brief moment to be blatantly honest. My last day of high school ever is tomorrow. Sure my dad doesn’t believe it because I have two days with one hour long exams, but dad hate to break it to you, I’m done with school tomorrow. I’ve have spent most of my time wishing away my senior year. I wished that I would hear from colleges, make it to prom, make it to field day, make it to all these big senior moments but in the time I have wished away so much time. Now looking back with only one day left, I feel like I have missed out on so many moments. There have been so many times that I picked one thing over another, and now there’s no way to ever get that back. The one thing we will never have any more of, is time, and now that is all I need. I know that this is crucial to my life, I have to move on at some point, but now that it is here I don’t know if I’m ready for it. Its been fun having something to look forward to but moving out, and college, and growing up is a whole lot scarier once it gets here. So, my honest confession would be that I am terrified out of my mind right now. This is a huge step that I just haven’t mentally prepared myself for yet. People expect so much from us now, we’re going to college, we are starting our futures but now that it is here, all I want is for people to be telling me what to do again. I’ve never had a life beside school, I don’t even know where you go from here. I know that it is all God’s plan, he has it worked out for me, but trying to see it from here is terrifying. It can only go up from here though, and the next chapter of my life is only just beginning.