feelings

feelings may happen to be one of the best and worst things that a person can have. there is no such thing as a win win with feelings. i mean seriously, why can't we just have the good ones? why do there have to be bad ones? i hate having those off days, you know the ones where you aren't yourself. you're in a weird mood and so then you feel like you're sitting there watching the world go by without actually being a part of it. as if you're in your own little bubble. or worse -- like you are an animal in a zoo where everyone sees you but noone really acknowledges you. and those are the moments where you start to think about things. start to ponder on life and try and figure out what is going on and where in the world did things get the way they are. the worst ones for me are when i start feeling old and useless. since when am i 18?! im in college moving towards being on my own. theres only so much longer and then i can't run back to my mom and hope that she makes everything right. im going to have to be a grownup and figure things out on my own. and then the worse of the two is feeling useless. when i have days like this where i sit and reflect on life, i always reach a point where i can't seem to figure out what it is that i've done with my life. i feel like each and every day needs to count. like i need to have something to show for each day and i guess in some ways i do -- be it a conversation that i've had with someone or maybe the impact a smile or saying good morning can have on someone elses life. a lot of times we miss the impact that we have on others or it is something that is pretty hard to realize so we can go on feeling useless. regardless of the fact that i know i'm not wasting my life each day, knowing it still doesn't make me feel less guilty or less useless. i want to have a profound impact. i want to change things. i want places to be better, people to be better, really everything to just change for the better. and because i can't make that impact each day i feel like i am being useless or wasting some ability. i guess in all honesty these days that i reflect on life are some pretty important days. these are the types of days that i make decisions, that i scheme and plot out the rest of my life. so i guess that feelings, even these bad ones, are profound. the separation i may feel from the world may simply be because i have separated myself, i have drawn myself away to have a day full of thought, one where i can figure out exactly who i am, what i think and believe, my hopes and wishes, just trying to make sense of this mess we call life.